Review - If I Were A Robot

If I Were A Robot
by Scott Gordon
illustrated by DepositPhotos.com
Date: 2012
Publisher: S. E. Gordon
Reading level: C
Book type: picture book
Pages: 54
Format: e-book
Source: Amazon.ca

Have you ever dreamed of being a robot? What would you do? How would you do it? And most importantly, what would you create with your newfound powers?

Find out what a young boy discovers when he visits the land of dreams, and builds his own vision of the future. From the author of My Little Pet Dragon, My Crazy Pet Frog and Ninja Robot Repairmen. Over 40 pages in all.

(synopsis from Goodreads)

I love how the synopsis declares, "Over 40 pages in all!" As if quantity is the important thing here.

That attitude shows in this slapdash "story" about a boy imagining what he would do if he were a robot. The first part is boring, but not terrible. He'd have a suit of armour and fancy weapons so he could fend off pirates and the Evil Overlord's army (whoever they are). He'd have a secret workshop and design rockets to reach distant worlds. He'd even build himself a robot dog for company. But then, in the latter half of the story, things get weird and existential. Suddenly, the narrative switches to almost all dialogue, and we get to read a conversation between a disembodied voice that echoes "into eternity" and the boy (who's now a rusty old robot stuck on a planet all by himself). The boy decides he doesn't want to be a robot and joins his father for dinner.

Because this book is put together with stock imagery from various illustrators, it has no cohesive style. There are plenty of pictures similar to what we see on the cover... but also plastic-looking 3D-rendered humans, random sparkles on a gradient background, paintings of rusty robots, pictures of planets, Dalí-esque imagery, and computer-generated sci-fi landscapes. The book looks like it's having an identity crisis.

This author is certainly prolific, and while I'm sure his own kids probably enjoy his attempts at picture-book writing, I don't think these titles are really suitable for public consumption. This is actually the second book I've read by this author, and I'm probably less impressed with this one than I was with the first. I'm just glad I picked this one up as a freebie; I'd be really annoyed right now, otherwise!

Premise: 1/5
Meter: n/a
Writing: 1/5
Illustrations: 2/5
Originality: 1/5

Enjoyment: 0/5

Overall: 0.83 out of 5

Review - Froggy Dearest

Froggy Dearest
by Scott Gordon
illustrated by Konstantin Grishin, Sebastian Kaulitzki & Julien Tromeur
Date: 2014
Publisher: S. E. Gordon
Reading level: C
Book type: picture book
Pages: 48
Format: e-book
Source: Amazon.ca

One fine day, you come across the frog of your dreams. Soft spoken and ever courteous, you've never met a creature quite so charming. But tread carefully, for this frog has quite a secret to share!

(synopsis from Amazon.com)

This lackluster children's book epitomizes the perils of exploring the world of self-published books.  It fails on nearly every level and does little but annoy the reader.  I'm glad I didn't have to pay anything for it.

The book's first problem is that it's completely inappropriate for its reading level.  The frog speaks directly to the reader, basically singing his own praises in the hope that he'll get someone to kiss him.  For a book that's intended for kids between the ages of 3 and 6, that's just a little bit creepy.  Also, the language is a bit advanced for that age group.  Would kids that age know words like "misfortune", "radiating", and "stereoscopic"?  I kind of doubt it.

The book's other main problem is the "illustrations".  The author basically went onto stock image sites and found a bunch of pictures of digitally rendered frogs that fit with the text.  The "illustrators" are listed on the copyright page, but not on the front of the book.  That strikes me as a bit dishonest, and overall it just seems lazy.  If you really want to write a picture book, collaborate with an artist and give them proper credit.

And, finally, the book is just boring.  There's no plot.  The frog is annoying and creepy.  And the ending is just stupid.  I would not insult a child's intelligence by giving them such a book.  There are much better children's picture books out there.

Quotable moment:

You paint my heart a deep shade of red: vibrant and passionate and full of love.

Recommended to: nobody

Premise: 1/5
Meter: n/a
Writing: 2/5
Illustrations: 3/5
Originality: 1/5

Enjoyment: 0/5

Overall: 1.17 out of 5